Disclaimer: I understand there are real and serious circumstances where divorce is necessary. But I also believe it happens far too often in situations where it doesn’t have to. So, here’s some food for thought.

A friend recently wrote to me about a couple whose marriage is falling apart.

She said they both felt spiritually guided—convinced they were meant to be together—even though they hadn’t fallen in love yet. Now, they’re divorcing because they say they ended up being “all wrong” for each other.

I get that things can feel desperate and confusing when tensions are high. But I need to say something, from the perspective of someone who’s been through a lot of those tensions myself.

My husband and I have faced incredibly hard times—seasons where we questioned how we could keep going. But we stayed. We worked. We pushed through. And now, nearly 30 years later, we’re so grateful we did. Because here’s what we learned:

Love is not a place you fall into. Love is something you do.
It’s not a destination—it’s a verb.

Marriage is a commitment to learn how to love. It’s a lifelong pursuit, even in the best marriages. The covenant is what holds us in place when we don’t feel loving—when one of us isn’t showing up the way we hoped. That promise is the glue that gives us time and space to try again—to come back to ourselves and each other.

That’s what marriage is. That’s what society is forgetting.

Maybe that couple was expecting a fairy tale. Maybe they were hoping the magic would just stay. But all the people chasing that “falling in love” feeling? Many of them would give anything to have had the kind of spiritual certainty these two had from the beginning.

Even if they had started with that warm, fuzzy “in love” feeling—it never lasts forever. And if they knew it was right before any of that showed up, then what a gift. That’s not a failure. That’s a divine invitation to create the love story themselves.

Thinking that the feeling should have been there from the beginning—and should stay forever—that’s the real fairy tale. And not the good kind.

This isn’t to say that deep, passionate love can’t grow—it absolutely can. But it doesn’t come without a price. It’s forged in the fire of shared hardship, sacrifice, patience, and commitment. That’s how fairy-tale love is created.

Here’s the part we don’t talk about enough:

You can’t have the reward without paying the price. The deep, abiding love we all crave is built on exactly the things that most people run from: challenges, differences, and discomfort.

So the sooner you can stop seeing obstacles as dealbreakers—and start seeing them as invitations to grow—the sooner your love will begin to deepen.

No matter how “in love” two people feel at the start, that feeling will never compare to the love that’s earned through hardship. The love that comes from weathering the storms together.

But it takes charity. The kind Paul talked about in the Bible. If they really did receive a spiritual confirmation that they were meant to be together, then wow—what a revelation! But without charity, even that knowledge is empty.

“Though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge... and have not charity, I am nothing.”

In other words, knowing who to marry isn’t enough. The love that lasts—the love that transforms—comes from living out charity in action.

Here’s the best marriage advice ever given:

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind;
charity envieth not;
charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own,
is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
beareth all things, believeth all things,
hopeth all things, endureth all things.”
(1 Corinthians 13:1–7)

Show me someone who lives by that standard, and in time, you’ll see someone who experiences a love more rich, deep, and fulfilling than anything a fairy tale could offer. Even if only one partner lives it.

That’s what Christ did. He loved deeply and completely—even when He received nothing in return. He loved us when we didn’t deserve it. He is the bridegroom, and we, the church, are the bride. He showed us how to love our spouse.

That kind of love changes people.

It softens hearts. Heals wounds. Fills gaps. Rights wrongs. It’s not an easy road—but it is a holy one.

The adversary is clever. He uses movies, books, porn, and other distortions to confuse us—twisting our expectations of what marriage “should” be. I just hope your friend is wise enough to tell the difference between what’s real and what’s fiction. Because a lot of people can’t.

But love? Love is a choice. It’s something you do. It’s not something that “happens” to you—at least not the kind that lasts.

(There’s one exception: the love Christ has for you. That love is freely given—without condition. That’s the kind of love that does just happen to you—if you’ll let it. Seek Him. And as you receive that love from Him, you’ll have more of it to give your spouse.)

If it were up to me, couples would skip the huge wedding price tag and save that money to throw a celebration at year 25... or 50. Now that is a love story worth celebrating.

For more on this topic, read Third Option.

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