By Travis Giauque

I woke up, not quite sure why I was hearing crying from another room. What time was it? Close to 2 a.m. — and where was my wife?

I pulled myself from our warm bed and followed the sound of sorrow. There she was, my sweetheart, kneeling on the carpet, sobbing uncontrollably. My heart immediately ached for her. As I approached to offer comfort, she was instantly overcome with embarrassment and apologized for waking me.

Later that morning, we talked about what had happened. She shared that she had been feeling distant from me for some time. She didn’t know why and had been pleading with God to show her what she needed to change within herself to feel close to me again.

That morning, during one of those prayers, she received a clear impression:
“It’s not you.”

That simple phrase began a longer conversation — one that unfolded over the next few days. Eventually, I confessed the truth to the woman I love most in this world: I had been addicted to pornography.

She was devastated. Heartbroken. Alone.
And I knew I was the reason.

Seeing her in that much pain crushed me. I knew my actions had caused the hurt in her eyes.

My addiction had started when I was a young teenager. It had ebbed and flowed in intensity over the years, but it never fully left. I believed the lies that crept into my mind:
“I’m stronger than this.”
“I’m not really addicted.”
“I can quit anytime I want.”

I didn’t realize I was feeding the beast — strengthening the chains that would eventually hold me captive.

The thoughts I had during my addiction were so different from the ones I had once I began to fight it. During the addiction, the voice whispered,
“You’re fine.”
“Nobody’s getting hurt.”
“You can quit whenever you want.”

But once I started to resist, the narrative shifted:
“You’ve tried before — you’re not strong enough.”
“It’s too late.”
“Just one more time… then you’ll stop.”

This war inside me — this tug-of-war for my soul — was intense. Painful. Full of anguish. But facing the pain was the only way to break free, and it was absolutely worth it.

What helped? Realizing that both sets of messages — the ones during the addiction and the ones during recovery — were lies. All of them.

And once I understood that, I could see them for what they were. Every time one of those thoughts crept in, I turned to God and begged for help to see the truth behind the lie. That practice became one of the key pieces of my healing.

If you're struggling with this too, I understand. I know the shame, the pain, the despair — and I also know the hope on the other side.

Recovery is possible. Yes, it's hard. But so is the pain your addiction brings into your life and the lives of those you love.

Every person who struggles with pornography has the power to overcome it. Every single one.

You can beat this.
You are not alone.
And it will be worth it.

Please don’t lose hope. Don’t give in. Reach out. Whether it’s to me or to someone else who understands and can help, just reach out.

There are many paths to healing. What matters most is that you take the first step.

Remember, you are not beyond help. No matter how deep you feel, no matter how long you've struggled — you are stronger than you think.

You are not broken. You are not beyond repair.
God does not create junk — you are His supreme creation.
And that, my friend, is the truth.