Parenting Transformation Journey - page 4
(Click here for page 1)

This morning, my two youngest daughters came to me complaining about each other. We’d already role-played the “what-ifs” of tattling vs. reporting last night, and honestly, they were doing pretty well at reporting.

But as soon as they heard the other one’s version in a way they didn’t agree with, the frustration flared up again. Both had already fallen out of calm during their argument before coming to me. One fell out of calm right in front of me, but both were upset.

So I said,

"It seems to me that you're having trouble with 'calm' right now. I appreciate that you are reporting to me what happened, but it looks like both of you chose to not be calm. Because you chose not to be calm, you have both earned an extra chore. ________, I need you to go clear the red table. ________, I need you to wash the spills off of the yellow table."

One daughter immediately said “okay” and went to do it. I praised her for that.

The other scrunched her face and growled. I said,

"Sweetheart, I need you to say 'okay' and do the extra chore immediately and calmly..."

She growled again and stomped her foot.

I said,

"Honey, because you have chosen not to accept a consequence with a calm face, voice, and body, you have earned a second chore. After you clear the red table, I need you to clean up the shoe closet."

That made her even angrier, and she stormed off. I called,

“[Her name], come here.”
I had to say it twice because she stopped but didn’t come back right away. Finally, she returned and stood in the doorway so I could see only half her body. Her face was scrunched and her arms stiff.

Normally, at this point, I’d use the “Rule of 3” that Nicholeen teaches for kids out of instructional control like this. But I hadn’t taught it to her yet—and there’s a strict rule in this system not to enforce a plan without pre-teaching it first.

(Remember, my plan was to focus on the first principle—calmness—for a week, but I was already seeing that the rest of the system was needed within just the first 16 hours!)

So I had a dilemma. Here’s how I think it went next... I reiterated that she’d earned two chores and reminded her what they were. I asked her to do them now. She stormed off, still growling and throwing a tantrum as she headed for the red table. I followed to the kitchen, where she was about to toss some dishes into the sink. I gently took her hands, helped her place the dishes softly in the sink, and guided her to a chair. I sat her on my lap and calmly said,

“After two chores, if you’re still out of control, I have to do something else—but I haven’t taught you what that is yet. So let me explain what happens if you stay out of control after two chores.”

(All this time, she was thrashing, growling, and kicking on my lap.)

A little backstory: When she was younger and threw tantrums, I used to get angry to get her attention and stop the fit. It scared her into stopping, but it didn’t feel right. I’d end up feeling sorry for my outbursts and realized I was teaching all my kids—by example—that outbursts are sometimes necessary to get what you want. Not good.

Eventually, my husband found that she calmed more easily when he sat her on his lap and held her lovingly, telling her how much he loved her. I tried that and saw much better results. Tantrums stopped quicker, and our relationship was stronger afterward. She learned to trust us more.

The problem: though we could stop the fits, this approach didn’t teach her accountability for her lack of self-control—it unintentionally rewarded it, to some degree.

So I’m excited about this new approach because it lets me hold her calmly and show love and explain the consequences of her behavior so she can learn from the experience. I see now that love without consequences was better than nothing—but it was incomplete.

Back to the tantrum on my lap: I kept speaking calmly, telling her the truth about life. I truly felt right in my heart—not frustrated or impatient. I was ready to sit with her all day if needed. I said,

"Did you know, that you cannot be out of control and happy at the same time? Happiness and freedom only comes when you have self-control. Do you want to be free? Do you want me to let you go? I want you to be free, and happy, but I can't let you go if I don't feel that it is safe. If you take a deep breath, and try to be calm, I will be able to praise you and give you a high-five for doing something that is really hard. And then we can get those two jobs done and you'll have freedom, and you can be happy again."

(Kicking, twisting, and fighting my embrace continued...)

I said,

"Okay, so, I can see that you're not choosing to take a deep breath and calm down, so let me tell you what happens next."

(I forgot to mention Major Maintenance here.)

"When you stay out of instructional control, even after the two chores, I have to do a SODAS with you - and that's not like Sprite. If you stay out of control after earning a SODAS, then you have to go without your privileges for 24 hours. That means no computer time, no television, no snacks, no treats, and no friends."

(Thrashing, kicking...)

By the way, a SODAS is having the child write out the following. It can also be done verbally with the parent if the child is young:

• Situation — describe it

• Options — list 3 ways to handle it

• Disadvantages — 3 negatives for each option

• Advantages — 3 positives for each option

• Solution — pick the best one

I’d gone over this with her briefly last week, and we have a list on the wall to remind us what to do, so this was mostly a reiteration.

I asked,

“Are you ready to calm down and do your chores?”

(Thrashing, kicking.)

"Okay, I can see that you have chosen not to calm down. I see that you are choosing to be out of control, which means you have just earned a SODAS, and I will be happy to help you do that. Are you ready to calm down now?"

She was still too far into her mood to just snap out of it, and I didn’t want to be unreasonable, so I offered,

"I know it can take some time to calm down, would you like me to let you go, so you can take some time to calm down first?"

(Thrashing, kicking.)

"Honey, this is not going to get you what you want. This is not how to get your way. The sooner you can get in control of yourself, the sooner you will be free and happy again. I'm prepared to hold you like this all day if I have to, but would you rather have time time alone?"

(Thrashing, kicking.)

"Okay. That's fine. I can see that you are choosing to continue. So, because you are choosing to continue your tantrum instead of calming down with a deep breath and beginning your chores, you have just earned 24 hours loss of privileges. But the 24 hours will only begin when you have decided to be calm and in instructional control. When you have decided to calm down and do what you're supposed to do, the 24 hours will begin. Let me know when you're ready."

Then I stood up, let her go, and walked away.

She went to her room and shut the door—quietly, no slam. I was a little surprised.

Soon after, I had to leave to take my 18-year-old to work and my 15-year-old to piano. Before I left, I checked on her but the door was locked. My gut told me to give her space. When I returned, my 14-year-old told me she was still in her room.

Her younger sister came to me and asked if she could have some lunch for her. She said she was hungry and sad, but in control. (So much better than anger and tantrums!) I told her she didn’t have to stay in her room; she could come down to eat—but only real food, not snacks or treats. I was told she wanted to stay in her room because she was afraid of losing control again. I had her sister remind her that the 24-hour consequence starts only when she’s ready to follow instructions and do the chores she already earned—and to let me know when she’s ready.

Funny follow-up: Her sister told me what they were doing in her room—“We were drawing a nerd with a goatee—but it wasn’t YOU—we were just trying to draw a funny guy…”

Sounds like the time in her room is turning out to be therapeutic. She’s still there now, and her sisters have rallied around her. One made her lunch; the other has been keeping her company, coloring and cheering her up.

But I’m determined to carry out the 24-hour no treats, no computer, no TV, no friends consequence—even though we usually have treats Monday nights. Nicholeen assures me that a child only has to experience this once or twice to realize it’s not worth it.

She says she can’t remember the last time her kids needed it. Usually, the first step of the Rule of 3 is enough to stop the behavior in its tracks.

Rule of 3 for kids over 7:

• Correction (which can earn up to TWO extra chores)

• If behavior continues during the same incident:

  • Major Maintenance

  • SODAS

  • 24-hour loss of privileges

The steps are detailed in Nicholeen’s book, Parenting: A House United—I highly recommend it!

The miracle for me today was that I stayed calm and in control the whole time. Sure, for 2 seconds while she thrashed on my lap, I felt my teeth clench and anger bubble up—but I caught it and let it go immediately. Imagining Nicholeen and her promises helped me relax again fast.

If you disagree with my approach, before commenting, please watch this BBC episode—it’ll give you the big picture of where this is going. They say that in the middle of life-saving surgery, it might look like a murder happened in the room. It can get messy before it gets better. I trust the end result. Each post alone won’t tell the whole story—but the episode does. Enjoy!

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