Parenting Transformation Journey – Page 3

Last night, we gathered all the kids and had an honest, vulnerable conversation. The eight of us sat together on our bed—intentionally choosing that space for its intimacy and warmth. We wanted this to be a moment they’d remember.

My husband and I took turns acknowledging the ways we’ve fallen short as parents. He talked about moments when he’s been sarcastic or flippant with the kids, or when he’s rolled his eyes at them—something we both dislike when they do it to us. I spoke about my impatience and how I’ve often given consequences, not because the behavior was inherently wrong, but because it inconvenienced me.

One line from Nicholeen had a profound effect on me:
“I would never correct a child for selfish reasons, but because it was morally right.”

That one sentence made me realize just how often my corrections were driven by the desire to make my life easier, rather than helping my children grow with purpose and vision. As Nicholeen says,
“We are making joyful adults, who know what their mission in life is, and can’t wait to fight for it, and have solid relationships with God and family.”

After sharing our acknowledgments (which definitely got their attention), I explained that this transition won’t happen overnight. Nicholeen mentioned it took her a full year to feel like she was consistently parenting the way she had hoped to. I wanted them to understand that this is a process.

We’re starting with one foundational principle: staying calm—in our faces, voices, and bodies—when we communicate. We walked through a few hypothetical situations to show what calm looks like… and what it doesn’t. We talked about how even quiet sarcasm or a huffy attitude doesn’t qualify as calm.

I also pre-taught them what to expect: if I see someone not being calm this week, I’ll let them know—calmly—that they’ve earned an extra chore. The goal is to reinforce the habit gently, not punitively. I only planned to focus on this one concept, but the kids had questions, and those questions opened the door to more learning.

In the end, we touched on four topics:

• Calmness

• Earning an extra chore for not demonstrating calm

• Learning to say “okay” to an instruction

• How to disagree appropriately

Each of these concepts is explained beautifully in Parenting: A House United, which can be found in Nicholeen’s bookstore.

What We Did After the Discussion

Most of my kids had already seen it, but I told them we were going to rewatch the BBC episode featuring Nicholeen and her family. This time, I wanted them to watch with a specific lens—looking for examples of the calmness we had just discussed. I asked them to pay attention to how the Peck family remained composed, even when the troubled teens from England were doing everything they could to provoke them.

It’s not an easy watch—there’s swearing and some crude behavior—but I wanted my kids to see the contrast. The bad behavior is clearly framed as such; it’s not glorified, popularized, or normalized the way it often is in movies. I felt it was important they witness the power of calm in the face of chaos.

By the end, there were tears. So much love. The transformation of those teens—from disrespectful and rebellious to emotional and wanting to stay—took just 8 to 10 days. It made me wonder what we could accomplish in a home where the behavior already starts from a much better place.

After the episode, I asked the kids what stood out. The overwhelming response? The calm. They saw it. They felt its power. They now have a visual reference for what we’re trying to practice.

It’s fascinating to me that the key to a better family life—calmness—is also the key to peace in finances. Everything I’ve studied about financial well-being points to this truth: when we let go of worry, we open ourselves up to receiving. It’s a mental discipline unlike any other, but I’m convinced it’s foundational to success in nearly every area of life.

That reminded me of a passage from As a Man Thinketh by James Allen that captures this idea so beautifully. I’ll leave you with it:

Serenity
by James Allen

Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control. Its presence is an indication of ripened experience, and of a more than ordinary knowledge of the laws and operations of thought. …

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