By Tammy Graham

Have you ever watched a child learn to walk? Though we want them to learn, do we force them?

NO! We watch, offer guidance, encouragement, and praise. The children succeed without being forced.

What can we learn from this?

People do what they are capable of, what they have the skills to do, and what they choose to do. When we have a wish, we often become critical, coercive, judgmental, and prideful. But when we have a goal, we become loving, supportive, patient, and kind. Goals yield better results than wishes because with goals, we are in control.

Wishing is having a desire, longing, craving, or want. When we have a wish, we give our happiness and success to others. We feel compelled to coerce or manipulate, trying to regain control. We get frustrated when expectations aren’t met. We’ve all forced others because of our wishes. For example, I wished to prove my capabilities as a homeschooling mother, so I forced my four-year-old daughter to have reading lessons.

I got frustrated. She resisted and resented me. I didn’t get what I wished for. Instead, I killed her spirit, stifled her self-exploration, and caused fear and undue stress. Perhaps I also made her feel hurt, unloved, incapable, dependent, and worthless—feelings common when one’s will is unnecessarily forced upon. Do you think my daughter lost trust in me when I forced her? Did I show her I trusted her? Since then, I’ve made it my goal to create a reading-rich environment at home so she can learn on her own terms, when she’s ready.

Recently, as our family was walking into church, I noticed my husband was frustrated. I asked why, and he said, “I’m upset because you made me late to church and I hate being late.” In that moment, he gave me control over his feelings and his lateness. He could have left in his truck when he saw we were running behind, but he chose not to. He blamed me for his troubles.

In the book Bonds that Make Us Free it says, “Blame is a lie by which we convince ourselves that we are victims. It's the lie that robs us of our serenity, our generosity, our confidence, our delight in life.” Blame hands power over our happiness and success to outside sources. Who are you blaming for not meeting your goals or finding happiness? Your siblings, spouse, the government, the person who cut you off this morning? Fill in the blank.

What if, as a mother, I have a wish that’s truly in my children’s best interest? Knowing it’s unwise to force compliance, what can I do? I can teach them well and let them choose. They hold ultimate power over their lives. I can be an example, love and serve them, and involve them in life through work and play—without ulterior motives.

If I wish for my children to be happy, talented, confident, and compassionate, then my goal can be to embody those qualities now as a parent. Children imitate what we do, not just what we say. If I develop my talents and serve others, they’re likely to internalize those values. They mirror us. So, are my wishes for my children aligned with my goals? Am I the person I want my children to become?

For years, I wished for financial prosperity. I tried many things to get my husband to fulfill that wish. It failed. Then I set a goal for myself—like personal life coach Bob Proctor says—to “let go and let God.”

Best-selling author Leslie Householder puts it well: “We must set our goals and do our part, trusting that the right people will show up at the right time. If a loved one is not on board like we would hope, we must give them the freedom to participate or not. Your goals and dreams have the power to arrange everything as they ought to be arranged without manipulation and without force.” She reminds us that to set YOUR goals, manipulation isn’t necessary to achieve a happy, fulfilling life.

I’d add this: maybe the things we wish our loved ones would do are actually the things we should be doing ourselves.