By Robyn Young

I was talking to my sweet daughter the other day. She’s at that age—and has the kind of temperament—where not getting her way feels like the end of the world. We were working through a particularly tough disappointment when she hit me with the $64,000 question:

“How can I be happy when I’m just NOT?!”

I’ll be honest—I’ve wrestled with that same question myself. And this from someone who has studied and taught principles of happiness! So when I heard myself answering her, I knew what came out of my mouth was a gift from God. The message was as much for me as it was for her.

Here’s what I told her:

There are three powerful choices we can make when happiness feels out of reach:

1. Choose to be happy.

2. Choose to be flexible.

3. Choose to be grateful.

1. Choose to Be Happy

There is real power in simply making a choice. The ability to be happy is always available—but it requires us to claim that gift. Choosing to be happy opens the door to thinking differently. It shifts your attitude, which over time shifts your circumstances. You are the agent of change in your life, and every kind of change begins with a decision.

Of course, choosing happiness when you’re facing disappointment isn’t easy. It means stepping back and viewing your life with a longer lens. Ask yourself:
Will this still affect my happiness five or ten years from now?
If you let bitterness take root, maybe it will. But if you choose a wider perspective, if you stay open, the answer is often no. Choosing happiness requires the belief that even if this moment hurts, better things are coming. That belief is a skill—one you can practice and strengthen over time.

2. Choose to Be Flexible

Flexibility is happiness’s best friend. Life is unpredictable. If our happiness depends entirely on one specific outcome, we’re often setting ourselves up for disappointment. Choosing to be happy doesn’t mean clinging tighter to a specific plan. It means staying flexible enough to find joy even when plans change.

3. Choose to Be Grateful

Above all, choose gratitude. Gratitude changes everything. It shifts our focus from what’s missing to what’s already good. Even in the middle of a hard moment, there are blessings to be seen. Gratitude helps us see them.

Whenever disappointment or discouragement creeps in, start with gratitude. It will reframe your perspective, soften your heart, and make happiness possible again.

Now, my daughter—true to her age and spunk—wasn’t totally sold. She told me her teacher had said the opposite.

She shared a story about a boy who was assigned to write a detailed essay about his future life. He rewrote and revised it until it was crystal clear. And then—years later—every detail came true.
“So how can you be flexible,” she asked, “when you're supposed to be specific?”

Such a good question. One I’ve asked myself many times.

If achieving a goal requires specificity—being able to see it, feel it, imagine it in vivid detail—then where does flexibility fit in?

Once again, the answer came clearly, and I knew it wasn’t just for her.

I asked, “Have you ever been driving and run into a detour?”

Detours happen when the route we’re taking can’t get us safely to our destination. As inconvenient as they may feel in the moment, their purpose is to redirect us to where we still want to go.

Now imagine hitting a detour sign and throwing a fit because the road you wanted to take is closed. Does the tantrum help? Of course not. But if you trust the detour—if you follow the new path—you still get to your destination. Maybe a little slower. Maybe through scenery you hadn’t expected. But you get there.

That’s what flexibility looks like.

Without it, we get stuck at the roadblock—frustrated, helpless, and going nowhere.

Over the past year, I’ve had goals I didn’t reach. Plans that didn’t come together. Dreams that fell through.

It’s been discouraging. Seeing what I want clearly, then watching it all fall apart—it’s a vulnerable kind of pain. But here’s what I’ve realized:

The goals I didn’t achieve weren’t the end. They were the means to the end—just one possible path to a deeper desire: a fulfilling, joyful life.

Not reaching those goals doesn’t mean I failed. In fact, the detours have helped me understand my destination more clearly. They’ve refined my focus, strengthened my vision, and taught me to trust the process.

Sometimes, not getting what we want is the very thing that helps us get what we truly need.

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•  To discover how to start choosing more effectively now, read The Jackrabbit Factor (FREE!) 
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