By Tammy Graham

What is conditional love?
It’s love that depends on how we feel in the moment. It’s circumstantial, limited. And the truth is, we all express this kind of love sometimes. I’ve shown it when I’ve been busy and one of my children got hurt. Instead of showing immediate concern, I felt frustrated—interrupted. I acted impatient, selfish, even irritable. Yes, I comforted the child, but I did it quickly so I could get back to what I was doing. In that moment, I gave them power over my thoughts, feelings, and actions. That’s conditional love: “I’ll help/love you because it gets me what I want.”

Unconditional love, on the other hand, isn’t limited in any way. It’s giving of ourselves freely, simply because we see someone as a person with their own hopes, needs, and value. It’s the kind of love Jesus Christ gives—selfless, constant, and enduring.

I become what I think I am.

How I respond to others—and how they perceive my response—shapes how they feel about themselves. We’ve all felt that sting when someone looks at us with criticism or disappointment. It reminds me to be Christlike not just in my actions, but in my thoughts about others.

When we show belief in someone’s ability, it strengthens that ability. I saw this firsthand when my husband was pouring concrete steps for our porch. He asked my dad for help, and although my dad was tempted to step in, he let him figure it out. And he did. That experience taught me how much power we hold in the success of our loved ones—simply through our attitude toward them.

For years, I treated my husband like a poor provider—like he lacked drive and direction. I wish I had instead treated him as the man I believed he could become. When we treat others as though they’re incapable, lazy, or not enough, they tend to reflect that back to us. But when I started treating my husband as successful, motivated, and capable, I watched him rise into those qualities.

I’ll never forget being pregnant with our fourth child and feeling swallowed by despair over our finances. In desperation, I coerced and pushed my husband to read How to Get the Job You Want in 30 Days. I wrote his resumes, cover letters, scouted jobs—then insisted he review and approve them all before I sent them off. I was full of negative emotions—especially resentment. I was exhausted and felt powerless. So I tried to gain control the only way I knew how—by controlling him. I used love as a tool to manipulate. I didn’t want to take responsibility or consider new options. Instead, I tried to force the outcome I wanted. That kind of control? That’s unrighteous dominion. And it alienated him from me.

That’s how Satan works—through force.

So what can we do to inspire real change in others?

Pray to be an instrument in the hands of God.
He is the one who truly changes hearts. He sees the bigger picture. He knows what each of us needs. Instead of trying to force change, we can:

• Be an example of the values we hold dear.

• Love. Teach. Have faith.

• Do everything as unto God.

When you create a special gift or offer support, do it not just because you love that person—but because you love the Lord. Trust that your efforts are never wasted, even if they’re not acknowledged the way you hope. Be humble. Be diligent. And, as it says in Doctrine and Covenants 104:78–79, let your efforts be guided by the prayer of faith.

Spend time truly present with those you love. Do what they enjoy. Listen without judgment. And remember—we cannot violate another’s agency. True love honors freedom.

Let us love as God loves: unconditionally.
Let us put our energy into being loving—and let the Lord take care of softening hearts.

Do something every day for your children and spouse that shows them unconditional love. Do it with no strings attached—no expectation of thanks, praise, or recognition. Do it because you want to be a good, loving person.

Put happiness, forgiveness, and beauty into the world—and it will come back to you.

As Gandhi said: “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”

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