Parenting Transformation Journey – Page 18

This post ends with a win… but maybe not the kind you'd expect. Still, I hope by the end, you'll understand why I'm choosing to count it anyway.

According to Nicholeen Peck, one of the most essential skills our children need to learn is how to accept a “no answer.” That means calmly saying “okay” when they don’t get their way.

And honestly? Adults need that skill too. We have to learn to accept disappointments with composure — to respond instead of react. That’s the heart of self-government.

Another vital skill is learning how to disagree appropriately. That way, kids — and we — always have a way to voice opinions or feelings respectfully. (Nicholeen’s book breaks this down beautifully.)

After one of my previous posts, a friend on Facebook made a comment that really got me thinking. She wrote:

"As far as the idea of telling someone you need them to feel a certain way so that you can feel a certain way...I don't believe in doing that. With children it's problematic because you've just set up a scenario for them in which they are no longer free to feel what they feel, they must now feel what you want them to because YOUR feelings and your work are depending on it. They may chose that on the surface, but they may still feel disappointed and now feel they have to hide it in order to support you. I just don't agree with that, it closes doors instead of opening them. BUT that said, I really love what Leslie is doing and the energy she's putting into creating something really positive in her family."

That little jab of doubt hit me in the gut — you know the one. The “oh no, did I do something wrong?” feeling. Never fun. But I took it as a cue to stop and reflect.

I could absolutely see her point. I never meant to manipulate my kids or make them overly responsible for my emotions, so I paused to examine whether I had crossed that line.

I think her concern is a valid one, which is why I’m including it here. But as I mentally walked through the rest of the interaction that day — parts I hadn’t shared in the original post — I began to understand why it hadn’t felt wrong in the moment.

The truth is, thinking it through again was a great moment of self-examination, and her words gave me something important to watch for moving forward.

Here’s what I told her in reply:

"Thanks for your comment... I can see how that came across. My point in sharing that piece was to show how I tried to talk them through it in an attempt to pre-teach and help them accept a "no answer" calmly.... I knew they were disappointed because they had already expressed it through the day, and they knew that I knew. There were no hidden feelings. This was just the point where they had to come to terms with the fact that it was not going to happen, and see if they could accept a "no answer" in the way they had been taught. I realized that it was going to be better if I was straight with them so that they wouldn't keep hoping even beyond dinner and bedtime - that definitely would have been worse. Thanks again!"

Looking back, I see that it would’ve been better if I’d verbalized what I was doing more clearly, maybe with something like:

“I understand that you want to go fishing today, and I know it’s something you were really looking forward to. But I’m going to give you a ‘no answer,’ and I want to see if you can say ‘okay.’ If you’re struggling, you can ask to disagree appropriately, and we can talk about it.”

Instead, I was a little vague. It was more like how I used to handle things in the past — not true self-government teaching. This was a good reminder to stick with Nicholeen’s vocabulary so the kids know what’s happening and what to expect. That consistency helps them feel safe — and helps them track the cause-and-effect of their own choices.

Now, I always like to end these posts with a little win to keep myself encouraged — so here it is:

Last night, my 11-year-old came downstairs long after bedtime, frustrated. He wanted to sleep somewhere else because his older brother was watching a movie on the iPad, and it was keeping him awake.

We have a clear rule: no internet behind closed doors. So my stomach dropped, knowing I’d have to confront my oldest. Historically, those confrontations go something like this:

1. I give an instruction

2. He asks why

3. I explain

4. He tells me why not

5. I explain again

6. He says I’m not listening

7. I say he’s not respecting authority

8. He accuses me of being unfair

9. I get defensive

10. He tells me to calm down

11. My blood boils that he didn't just say 'okay' 10 steps ago

12. It escalates

13. Someone storms off

14. He feels misunderstood

15. I swallow my pride and comfort him

16. I finally listen

17. He explains where he's coming from

18. He has a good point I hadn’t considered

19. I apologize and modify my original request

20. He apologizes for being frustrating

21. He complies with the modified request

22. We hug

It’s exhausting. Predictable, but exhausting. And honestly? I’d stopped hoping he’d ever just say “okay” because I’m his mom.

He’s always been a strong-willed, independent thinker — even as a toddler. Once, my mom said, “I’m so glad I could visit your mom’s house,” and he shot back, “MY house.”

For years, I let these power struggles slide because he was, at his core, a good kid. I avoided conflict when possible, and we got by. But I now see how much smoother things could’ve been with self-government.

The Teaching Self-Government model is clear:

• Give an instruction

• If they say “okay,” praise them

• If they disagree, ask if they’d like to disagree appropriately

• If they don’t do either, calmly explain what just happened, assign an extra chore, and have them do it immediately

• If they argue or refuse to do it, calmly describe what just happened in detail and explain that because they chose not to follow instructions (or because they chose not to keep a calm face, voice, and body), they earned another chore, and then tell them what that is and instruct them to do it immediately.

If it escalates, then for children 7 or older, it then goes to the Rule of 3.

In the two weeks we’ve implemented this, I’ve only had to use the Rule of Three once. That was enough to make an impression — no one wants to go there again.

The key is: if the parent stays calm, there’s no power struggle. Just clear cause and effect with calm teaching along the way.

Now, with my son heading to college soon, we decided not to formally implement the full program with him. Nicholeen advised us to focus instead on strengthening the relationship — and I agree. I did slip once and issue a formal correction, which he surprisingly accepted. Possibly because it was in front of his siblings and he appreciated the fairness of the system.

(I did slip up once and issued a formal correction to him, which he actually accepted, possibly because it happened in front of his siblings and he liked the system and decided to go along with it for their sake.)

But about that movie in his room...

Well, it was already 10:30 pm so I was not excited about starting the 21-step routine so late. I knew it could feasibly take until after midnight to resolve, based on past history. But it had to be addressed right away.

(Remember, since I had decided not to really implement the TSG program with him, I also did not ever really make sure he learned how to disagree appropriately. In my mind, this was probably going to have to play out the old way.)

So I called him on his cell phone.

Me: “Hey, where are you?”
Him: “In my room…”
Me: “I think we have a problem.”
Him (already defensive): “Is it Kayli??”
Me: “Um, no. And actually... I have a problem with you getting irritated before I’ve even said what the issue is.”
Him: “O…kay…”
Me: “Are you watching a movie?”
Him: “Yeah…”
Me: “Remember, no internet in bedrooms.”
Him: “It’s just Netflix.”
Me: “Netflix is internet.”
Him: “O…kay…”

Did he just say okay? I’ll TAKE it.
Me: “Thanks so much. Goodnight.”
Him: “Uh… Goodnight…”

It felt unresolved, like he had something else on his mind. But I decided not to dig — not that night. If more needed to be said, we could talk when we were both rested.

And yes, if I had felt he might break the rule, I would’ve followed up. But he’s proven to be trustworthy when expectations are clear. Plus, with two brothers in the room, I would’ve known if anything continued.

Funny follow-up:

So I was feeling pretty victorious that I had dodged the 21-step bullet. I was so proud of him for saying 'okay' so quickly - that shocked both me and my husband, actually - but also I was proud of myself that after just 1.5 weeks of implementing the principles I'm learning from Nicholeen Peck, I could experience such a quick resolution with him. There was no resistance, no fight, no escalation, none of it.

Although implementing with him has been non-existent, or if at all, it's been informal, I intentionally complimented him on it the next day. I said, "Thank you so much for just saying 'okay' about the Netflix thing. That was really great, and I appreciate it."

He said, “You’re welcome…” and then told me what had actually happened:

Earlier, he’d asked his little brother not to use packaging tape on the bed frame. They got into a power struggle over it. The little brother came to me — not about the argument, but to ask if tape can damage wood. I told him, "Yeah, actually it can leave a really nasty residue. Remember those marks on my dresser from the old house? That was from packaging tape. I mean, yeah, you can get it off with Googone or something like that, but it's a pain, so I wouldn't want you using packaging tape on wood.", which confirmed the older brother’s point… but I didn’t know they’d argued.

Clearly, that's not what he expected to hear.

So he changed the subject and just asked if he could sleep somewhere else because of the movie.

So when I called the older one, he was already tired, and annoyed that he might have to come talk about another issue. He thought I was calling about Kayli. Then I brought up the movie, and his guarded answers made sense — he was bracing for something bigger. So when it turned out that was all I wanted, he said “okay,” still half-expecting more. 

He was still hoping I wasn't going to ask him to come down for a big long talk about some other issue.

So when that's all it was, he said, "O...kay..." waiting for more, and that was it.

Not a textbook win, maybe. But it solved the issue. We skipped the whole 21-step dance.

I’ll take it.
I’ll still count it as a victory.

Baby steps to self-government.
Baby steps to self-government.

(And if you disagree with anything I’m doing, I just ask one thing before you comment: please watch the BBC episode on this method so you can see where this is going. It may look messy in the middle, but I truly believe in the end result. Each post is just one page in the journey — the full story needs the full context.)

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