By Kathryn Barney

I’m currently facing a challenge that’s cutting me to my core. I’ve been through harder things—much harder—but this one is shaking me at the level of my purpose. It’s making me question why I’m here and what I’m meant to do.

I have a relationship with someone very close to me that feels constantly tumultuous. I work diligently—praying, studying, trying to find ways to reach her and help her feel loved. But she doesn’t feel loved. She’s said things—made accusations to me and to people I care deeply about—that strike at the heart of who I believe I am. At the heart of what I feel called to do.

More than anything, I want to love her in the way she needs to be loved. I just haven’t figured out what that looks like yet. And the harder I try, the worse it seems to get.

Even when she says or does things that hurt me deeply, I try—sometimes I fail, but I try—to hold onto a vision of her true self. I believe she is, at her core, an incredibly generous, light-filled, gifted soul who is reacting from a place of deep trauma and pain. I choose to see beyond the pain. I know I can’t heal it for her. I can’t carry it. But when I focus on her goodness—on her divine potential—I believe those are the parts of her that will eventually feel safe enough to emerge again.

When I vent or dwell in frustration, I know I end up attracting more of the same negativity into my life. I haven’t always been perfect about keeping that frustration to myself, but I’ve recommitted to doing just that. If I talk about the hard stuff, it will only be with the intention of healing or finding a path forward in our relationship.

I know this may be a long road. I know it’s not my job to heal her—that’s Christ’s role. My only responsibility is in how I choose to treat her. My actions may not change her right away. But they will change me. Every time I choose love over retaliation, grace over resentment, I grow. I become more capable of loving her.

I read a goal statement every day about discovering the perfect way to reach her. I believe the time will come—maybe not in this life, but eventually—when everything will fall into place, and she’ll know she was loved all along.

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