By Steve Dragon

I’ve never been one to embrace (no pun intended) relationships.
I learned at an early age—third grade, in fact—that I had a rather abrasive personality: a little too bold at times, somewhat presumptuous, and often carrying an attitude of entitlement. (I was told in my early twenties that I had a “caustic” sense of humor. I considered it a compliment.)
It certainly didn’t do much to make me a well-liked person.
I suppose I could point to certain experiences or aspects of my early environment that might have contributed to such a personality, but in these later years of my life, there’s really no one to blame but me.

Throughout my school years, because I seemed so prone to offending others—and embarrassing myself—I gradually became less and less social.
While I often hung out with a small group of “friends,” I’ve come to realize I kept myself at such an emotional distance that, in reality, I only allowed myself acquaintances.

I didn’t date in high school.
I didn’t go to ball games or dances.
The only reason I participated in clubs was to inflate my sense of self-importance—not for socializing.

It wasn’t until after high school graduation that I finally started dating.
The following spring, I had my first steady—a sophomore who was only fifteen when we met.
Sometime in those first few months, I remember driving down the road after a heated argument, and with great emotion, saying to myself, “I am DONE with relationships! This is too hard! I’m better off loving my car.”
That decision, that attitude, has subconsciously haunted me ever since—close to fifty years later.
Sadly, a bitter divorce fifteen years down the road only served to reinforce my feelings of relational inadequacy.

I shudder to think where I would be had I not chosen to join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints just a few months before that fateful decision.
(Through my high school years, I considered myself an atheist.)
In fact, I met that first steady at church.
Unfortunately, my bad attitudes and habits were already deeply ingrained by then.
While I spent the rest of my life learning about the Savior and trying to emulate Him, it often felt like an unattainable wish.
Yes, there were times of improvement and increased understanding, but in more recent years, I’ve become far more aware of the lingering effects of my early rebellion.
I’ve started to recognize the unhappiness, frustration, and selfishness I put myself through by not trusting more fully in the Lord’s commandment to “love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind” and to “love thy neighbour as thyself” (Mark 12:30-31).
I realized I didn’t love myself—and that kept me from loving my neighbor and from loving God.

Addictions to sex, sugar, and spending throughout my life fed that self-loathing and made true self-love impossible to understand.
But through great effort—and great blessings from God and the Savior—my experiences gradually led me to comprehend Their infinite and eternal love for me despite all my weakness and sin.
Recognizing, acknowledging, and embracing that truly unconditional love has helped me forgive myself and begin to forsake the behaviors that kept me from loving myself and others.

Gratefully, the recent work I’ve done in Mindset Mastery and the Facilitator Track has brought new resources into my life that have deepened my understanding of my own deep-seated selfishness.
Especially helpful has been the required reading for Mentor Training.
I’m learning to look more deeply at the real needs of others, rather than trying to meet those needs for my own satisfaction and self-aggrandizement.
What a different world of joy, love, and peace I’m beginning to discover!

This has been my personal journey.
Yours is surely different in many ways.
But if your path has included broken relationships and self-loathing, I would commend to you the words of Alma to his son Helaman in the Book of Mormon: “look to God and live” (Alma 37:47).
God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to suffer for us.
We don’t have to suffer as much as we think we do.
We don’t have to loathe ourselves for our vile mistakes.
The sooner we forgive ourselves and sincerely and humbly look to God—every single day—the sooner He can and will forgive us.
And that’s when we can truly press forward in our eternal progression, loving ourselves, loving God, and loving and serving others according to their needs.

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