Parenting Transformation Journey – Page 7

My daughter finally calmed down and decided to come out of her room. She spent some time outside with her sister and seemed to be recovering. After a bit, her sister came to me and asked if the two of them could have a mint candy. I said, "You can, but she can't..."

"Oh, she wasn't sure if a mint candy counted as a treat."

"Yeah, it does. I sure wish she comes to talk to me soon, because I really want her to get her 24 hours over with. Will you be sure to let her know that I hope to talk to her soon?"

Pretty soon, they both came to me—the one who hadn’t wanted to talk lagging behind, covered in a blanket, and being led gently by her little sister.

She made her way to my bed where I was working and sat down, letting just her face peek out, barely.

I praised her for coming. "I know this was hard to do—I want you to know that I recognize that. I'm proud of you for doing something hard."

"I didn't want to talk to you because I knew it would just make me madder."

"I understand, but I really want this to be over with, and there are just a few things you need to do to begin. And I need to be able to see you."

She dropped the blanket from her head and asked, calmly enough, "What do I have to do?"

"I know that hearing me talk too much could make you feel more angry, so I'm going to keep it short, okay? You need to do your two chores, and go through the SODAS with me, calmly, to begin the 24 hours."

"What are the SODAS?"

"It's just a list of questions that I'll ask you, about nine of them. You can see the list of questions on the wall in the dining room so you'll know what to expect. So go do the two jobs and come back when you're ready to answer the questions. Oh—wait, you already did the first job, didn’t you?"

"No."

"I thought you already cleared the table."

"No, I started, but didn't finish."

"Oh, okay."

She left and came back shortly after. I praised her for doing the jobs and told her again how proud I was. She was working so hard to stay composed. I knew she was still upset with me, but she was demonstrating real self-control in spite of it. I said, "Are you ready to answer the questions?"

"Yes."

So we went through the questions together and worked out her answers. We talked about what had happened, what her options were when situations like that happen, the disadvantages and advantages of each option, and which choice she would make next time.

Whenever she didn’t know what to say, I offered suggestions. I knew this was all new to her, and she was already under a lot of stress. Expecting her to think too deeply under those conditions would have been counterproductive, so I made the process quick and easy. As we all get more familiar with the steps, this exercise will eventually turn into a writing assignment—especially for the older kids.

Here’s what we came up with:

Situation
I got mad when you said I couldn't make brownies.
(She had also been mad at her sister, but she felt confident that her loss of control happened after she asked to make brownies and I said “No.”)

Options

• Storm off

• Go to my room and calm down

• Leave and go somewhere else

Disadvantages

1. a. It doesn't help me calm down
   b. I'm not happy
   c. I get negative consequences

2. a. I miss out on being with my family
   b. I have to be alone
   c. I feel angry for a while

3. a. I feel angry for a while
   b. I don't have my bed to be comfortable on
   c. I don't have my bouncy ball

Advantages

1. a. I can feel like I'm heard
   b. I get away from Mom who's making me mad
   c. I get to express my anger

2. a. I get to leave the situation
   b. I can feel less angry
   c. I get to avoid consequences

3. a. I get to leave the situation
   b. I can feel less angry
   c. I get to avoid consequences

Solution (her choice for next time)
Go to my room before it gets out of hand.

When we finished the SODAS, I praised her again and said, "It looks like you may be ready to begin your 24 hours."

At that, she slumped down and cried, "But I don't even want the 24 hours!"

That’s when it hit me—she had been hoping that if she cooperated with everything else, I might let her skip that part. It was a wake-up call for me: I realized just how much repetition it’s going to take to make the steps crystal clear—and how important it is that I completely follow through.

This process is teaching me about how I’ve trained her in the past. My inconsistency had taught her that consequences were negotiable. I'd often changed my mind for one reason or another. But now, the consequences are simple, predictable, and consistent—and that makes them so much easier to carry out. Predictability, simplicity, and calm implementation are the keys.

She eventually pulled herself together. While she was calm, I said, "I know that this is hard for you, and you are doing a great job. But I also know that it might be hard to stay this way. Because I want you to get the 24 hours over with as soon as possible, I'm willing to begin the clock right now, and you can go wherever you need to be to feel calm." (In other words, I wasn’t going to require her to listen to more explanations.)

Some of the other kids had misunderstood and thought she was going to have to stay in her room for 24 hours. I clarified that no, she could be anywhere—she just couldn’t have treats, snacks, friends, computer, or TV. One of the younger ones ran upstairs to tell her, "You don't have to have the 24 hours!"

Oh dear. That needed to get straightened out immediately—I didn’t want her thinking I'd changed my mind. So I wrote everything down clearly on paper and gave her a copy.

Let the 24 hours begin! (4:30 pm PT)

This whole process is starting to feel a little like a reality show since I’m sharing it in real time. Knowing I’ll be reporting back after each incident (as much as possible) is definitely helping me stay on track. :)

If you disagree with anything I'm doing, all I ask is that you please first watch this BBC episode so you can see the bigger picture. They say that during a life-saving surgery, it can sometimes look like a murder has taken place—it can get messy in the middle, but the end result is what matters. Each of my posts—by itself—won’t show the full picture. But the episode does. Enjoy!

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